Another Day

I know it is unusual for anyone to look at this, but I think perhaps someone in the near future will be pleasantly surprised to happen upon a post that is new. I am in my garage learning to play the guitar and sporadically reading my textbooks for class. Tomorrow I am leading a day hike.
Others in my house are socializing with guests. I often alienate myself during these times because I have a hard time with unproductive talk, or casual talk. I don't fully understand my aversion to these kinds of group interactions but I think it has a few roots worth exploring.
One root is Vincent. I was once at a party really looking forward to chatting with a bunch of people. He was anxious to go. I persisted and said "But I want to see all these people". All he did was ask the simple question of "Why? What is that going to do? What is even happening here?". Strangely, this one moment has since been engrained in my head. What is happening here? What productive outcome does getting together and drinking have? As you all know I am all for eating, I understand that, we all must eat and we should celebrate this need.
But all the chit-chat afterword is blah to me. I would like to remind the reader at this point in our literary venture that I am putting myself in a vulnerable position by posting this. This feeling, this idea is a part of who I am. I have fought with it, analyzed it, and tried to change it for many years. I know that it is not a culturally positive trait but I stick with it because it is who I am, not because it makes sense or because other people think that it is cool. It is part of me, it is a feeling I have. I must live with it. I guess the reason why I wrote those last few sentences is to say: Don't judge me because I am different or have different values.
I think the overall thing that is being evaluated in my life right now is judgement, both of myself and others. The eternal question is what do we accept and what do we(can we) change? How much is cultural and how much is personal, and how much that is personal be changed? I don't know if I will ever be a person that lives too far outside of this moment, outside of my particular surrounding. Is that me? Or is that something I have adopted that I could change?
Anyway, far more questions than answers but at least there is something new to read. Hallalujah.

Seth