Jenny broke up with me a couple of weeks ago. It has been probably one of the craziest mind fucks I've had to deal with in a long time, to say the least. I constructed a tower of love for her in my heart, precariously reaching higher and higher (deeper) into some metaphor, before the reality-check I received on the evening of Monday, March 16th, 2009. I've been dealing with the heartbreak like a hero (or so I've been told), but it has sucked quite badly. One thing I've noticed during this total shake-up of my familiar ordered life however is that I've been given the gift of perspective, something that you just can't sometimes seem to get when you are fully entrenched in one consistent emotional state. Certain songs grab at me now, odd memories pop into my head that haven't surfaced for a long time...
Needless to say things are changing as I attempt to carefully remove the pieces of Jenny I've wedged into my heart, and my mind is responding in unpredictable ways. I'm lucky to have such wonderful people surrounding me in this house I live in--they make this process bearable. I can either be social or secluded, depending on how I'm feeling, very conveniently. I can seek love and affirmation successfully at almost any hour. I miss Jenny a lot, but that missing her is also evolving. I'm determined to make a viable friendship possible with her, but I'm not certain how that will work out. It definitely isn't something I can force at this point, because I'm too deep in the recovery--I still love her and want her back on some level (although this is also changing with time).
I've noticed that I can't really convince myself that she's not the right person for me, or that there's something wrong enough with her that I can justify removing her completely from my soul. So, what will happen I think is I will protect myself as best as I can, but I'll keep her in my heart, in a special place. It's because she's a special person, a person to whom I owe a lot of my development as a person. It's crazy but a lot of the reason I think I'm dealing with this situation so well is because of her. She's worked on me. She's made me strong. My ability to be happy is also helping out a lot. I've had this ability for some time, but you guys have definitely been a huge part of my growth in that respect. Ru has an uncanny ability to see the bright side of things, and to see the world for what it is--a fucking tragic, yet beautiful and interesting place where the possibilities for love and fun are pretty much endless. No problem is too insurmountable, says the Mickey Kay that permanently resides in my soul. Seth also chimes in, reminding me what a tenacious, insatiable thirst for self analysis and improvement can do for both your esteem and character. Danny of course chimes in as well, and reminds me that happiness is actually kind of a simple thing. All you really need is a comfortable chair, and some people you like. Boom, happy! Alex Dempsey isn't afraid of change or the universe. Or, if he is, he's willing to deal with it. My brother Shaun has quite succesfully constructed his own life, without much support from any particular institution or program(s). He is driven by passion.
I'm well equipped to get to the other side of this relatively unscathed, but I'm just a little bit scared. This really is the end of an era. I got into Stanford, and I'll likely got there, get a masters/credential in about a year, then I'll be teaching physics in a high school class room. I'll be entering a career, which will last an indeterminate amount of time in an undetermined place. I'll be aging, and my biological clock will start pressuring me to find "the one" if I haven't already found her. I might have some babies, and I'll be a good dad. If I have daughters I'll encourage them to play sports, and have them take self defense classes at a young age. I'll teach them to love life and seek real, meaningful love and friendships so that I don't have to worry about them falling in with the wrong crowd (of course, I'll still worry. That's what happens). I still want to make art, and write books. I want to find love again. I think it is possible, but right now I'm pretty blinded by the juggernaut sized container of a heart I've got. I've conditioned it to hold a lot of people and unconditional love. It has been comfortable, and now it will have to be redefined. Reset button!
O.k., bed time now. Maybe I'll write more later. I'm climbing in the morning with my housemate Derek, and then I'm going to work on Seth's Kayak Club design.
I deal in dreamers
And telephone screamers
Lately I wonder what I do it for
If I had my way
I'd walk through those doors
And wander
Down the champs du elysees
Going cafe to cabaret
Thinking how I'll feel when I find
That very good friend of mine
(From "free man in paris", by Joni Mitchell. Check out the Sufjan Stevens version of this song, and imagine yourself in my place, sitting in Jenny's cabin in New York a year and a half ago pondering what I was going to do with my life while listening to this song).
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