The single life

Hmmm... Well I am single, and it is quite interesting the emotional stages I am going through. First, I celebrated my individuality by starting a blog, taking photos, kayaking really hard shit, doing crossfit, and basically doing whatever I wanted.

Then at some point the feminine wandered back into my mind again. I don't necessarily mean Teresa, and I don't necessarily mean not Teresa. What seems to be is that a space in my mind is dedicated to the feminine whether I am an a relationship or not. This space, while in a relationship, is dedicated to thinking about them: Thinking about how they will think about things, react to things, thinking about things you can do for them, or things you can get them, or maybe things they can do for you, or problem solving, or whatever thing is happening at the time in your relationship.

What I have not had in awhile is what happens to that space when you are single. You think about girls, you think about how girls affect you, what role they play in your life, you think about what the feminine is, what attraction is, what makes a relationship, what you want out of a relationship, how to make one work, what flirting is, you think about talking to girls and how that changes when you are single because it no longer is completely innocent, you think of many things.

I remember now. I like this stiff. I have read Men are from mars, women are from venus, Cunt, She comes first(not that good), The vagina monologues, How to be an adult in a relationship, the anatomy of love, and have just started Love and other technologies. This stuff is interesting. Flirting is weird, the fact that there is a diagnosable 'infatuation stage' called limerence, makes the whole things feel a litte crazy(check it out on wikipedia). You should really read it, it is fascinating.

So there is a a biological imperative for love. We cannot really fight it, unless we have some sort of genetic mutation that has created other imperatives, that is not me. So we must live with the desire to receive attention from the other sex, and so do they(women). We also have the desire to give attention to the opposite sex.

Today I started to wonder if all this attention is really about the object to which we pay that attention, or do we merely need something to project our own femininity onto? Perhaps we need reassurance from something we deem feminine in order to feel like we are balanced in our own selves. There is ease with hanging out with women, it creates an acceptance of self that is different than our normal state. It is relaxing, and somehow it does complete the self. When we spend time with the feminine, we become aligned with ourselves somehow, we are kept in check, almost as if we could not do it on our own. Is this a disaster or deficiency? Or is the natural order of things that we are all born with some lack of the opposite and an abundance of our own, so that we naturally seek fulfillment through the opposite and can give fulfillment through our selves.

Just musings I suppose. I am just noticing a lot with my mind these days. especially in this area due to the great changes I have undergone the last few weeks and months.

Just as a quick rehab update for all the readers out there(Nate and Ru): I did 15 pull up and 60 pushups yesterday and feel a little sore today. Probably no weight lifting, just a bike ride. Rehab is weird, and all of you must be able to identify with the struggle of how much is too much? When is my workout helping? When is it hurting? It is so hard to tell sometimes. When can I kayak with some confidence about my shoulders safety? who knows?

You are all very strong and awesome people. I respect you for the things you have been through and the things that you will go through. Stay strong yall, this life is certainly worth all the risk and I look forward to putting myself out there again, whether socially or athletically.

Cheers.